Police Academy Naruto Style!
by Lucillia
Summary: What it says on the box. Enrollment in a formerly all-Uchiha institution has been opened to practically all comers by Tsunade. Let the fun begin.
1. Prologue: Open to All Comers

**Author's Note**: This all started when I pictured Hinata as Hooks. Obviously this is a very AU world in which the Uchiha Massacre never took place, while some things changed after Madara was put on medication during the founding of Konoha, others somehow managed to stay the same.

&!&!&

**On March 4th of this year, Godaime Hokage Senju Tsunade - acting on a suggestion made by Shimura Danzo - threw open recruitment into the Konoha Military Police Force to all who were Genin level and above. Many who had never considered being Police before flocked to the new Academy built on the expanded Uchiha Police Training Grounds next to the Uchiha District.**

**Naturally, the Uchiha freaked.**


	2. The New Recruits

**Author's Note**: Let's see if you can guess who's supposed to be who.

Uchiha Fugaku scowled as he inspected the new buildings. Personally he had wanted nothing to do with this farce, but it was now his job to train the newest recruits at Konoha's new Military Police Academy. To make matters worse, they gave him Mitarashi Anko as a co-instructor as she had been through the training before, when Orochimaru had called in a favor so he could run the experiment that led to the "Oops, I let the Kyuubi out" incident. And if that didn't beat all, they had put Madara of all people in charge of this clown factory, and his father who had retired more than a decade earlier decided to take back his job as the Chief of Police since he was "dying of boredom", forcing him to take a demotion.

The newly made buildings that had been constructed by several ninja crews, including an ANBU who had the Shodaime's Mokuton ability reeked of fresh paint. It gave Fugaku a headache.

The new recruits were due to start arriving any second now...

* * *

Inuzuka Kiba stalked through the halls of the civilian office building as a rainstorm battered the windows, turning the village outside into a collection of blurry lights. It was his team's mission to guard this building against all intruders, as it had been for the last week. As he made his way down a hallway on the second floor, he heard a door open. A rather fearful looking middle-aged businessman exited an office half-way down the hall.

"Good night Inuzuka-san. I'll er, just be going now." the man said before fleeing down the hall and towards the exit.

Kiba checked to make sure the office the man had exited was securely locked. As he did so, he heard a couple of people sneaking down a nearby corridor. He moved to investigate. There was a light coming from under the door to the break room.

There were intruders in the building.

"Are you ready Akamaru?" Kiba called to his canine partner who rested atop his head as he pulled out several kunai.

With a war cry, he charged into the now darkened break room and hurled his kunai at the intruders. As he did so, he caught Kurenai-Sensei and Shino's scents. He flipped on a light.

There was a small banner that said: Good Luck Kiba. There was also a cake with a kunai sticking out of it, and a very stunned looking civilian holding a present. From the looks of things, one of the kunai had destroyed the coffee maker.

"Heh, heh, oops."

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto Kyuubi Jinchuuriki and Konoha's Most Unpredictable Ninja had been running himself ragged during his team's current D rank, which was to work as waitstaff at a resturant he wouldn't have been allowed to set foot in otherwise, as the owner was rather hostile. It was currently the Lunch rush, and the entire resturant was packed. There was no room anywhere.

When the civilian with the bad toupee turned up, he came forward to tell the man that he would either have to wait or come back later. The man gave him _that_ look before loudly and rather rudely demanding a seat despite the fact that the entire resturant was full.

"Look. Like I said before, there are no seats available, the place is full." Naruto said.

"Just find me a seat you little asshole." the man said, glaring down at him as if he were scum to be scraped off the bottom of his shoe.

"Is that a wig?" Naruto asked, looking up at the rather poorly disguised rug on top of the man's head. "I believe it is."

The man narrowed his eyes and growled.

"Wig alert! Wig alert!" Naruto yelled, pointing at the man, as the manager approached from the back.

"Hi Han, is this brat giving you any trouble?" the manager asked.

"He refuses to find me a seat." Han replied.

"There's no room to park that guy's fat ass, the place is already full." Naruto said.

"You will apologize and find this man a seat!" the manager yelled in Naruto's face, spit flying rather unhygenically.

Naruto glared up at the two men defiantly before dropping his head and mumbling "Sorry".

He then grabbed the chair he and his teammates had been using for their infrequent breaks and approached a table that was occupied by a family of Aburame. Sasuke and Sakura stared at him in shock, sensing what he was about to do. Internally promising to apologize to the Aburame at a later date, he shoved two of them aside and set the chair down between them.

"Here's your seat!" he yelled before storming off to take orders at another table.

Unfortunately, it didn't end at that, seeing as the idiot who couldn't understand "The place is full" decided to take issue with his seating placement and came after him, calling him something foul and unforgivable in the process.

He turned, and punched him in the jaw.

* * *

Missing-nin and Mercenary for Hire Hoshigaki Kisame grumbled as he approached Konoha's gates. Why was it that he forgot that going drinking with Raiga was a very bad idea every time he encountered him? Usually, he woke up in the strangest places after drinking with Raiga. More often than not, he would wake up to realise that a) he was naked, b) he was covered either in paint, feathers and glue, or something he really didn't want to think about, and c) the locals weren't too happy with him due to some extremely bizarre stunt he had pulled.

This time however, he had found that he'd been suckered into a bet that he couldn't weasel his way out of due to the fact that there were living witnesses.

Apparently, according to his friend - who had carved out his own little kingdom in the middle of nowhere that he found he needed to escape from every once in a while - when the Hokage had opened recruitment in the Konoha Military Police Force to all who were Genin level and above, she had never specified which village the recruits had to come from.

He'd argued that the "Konoha" was so clear that it needn't be stated. Raiga however had suckered him into a dare in which he was to use this supposed loophole in order to apply. He knew he was wasting his time, but wasting a few days and the effort needed to evade capture was preferrable to the chicken suit he would've had to wear had he chosen to forfiet.

"State your name and purpose for visiting." a bored sounding Chunin who was guarding the gate said.

The "YOU'RE HERE TO WHAT?" that followed Kisame's reply could be heard all the way across the village.

* * *

Yakushi Kabuto groaned as he awoke earlier than he would have liked. A bit of quick work with a Chakra Scalpel took out the alarm clock. Why had he set the damn thing again?

Oh yeah, in a fit of insanity he'd joined the Konoha Military Police Force. He had of course done it for the same reason he'd become a spy for Orochimaru, to get women. In other countries, being a Medic would have been enough, but since the vast majority of Medic-Nins in Fire Country were female, his job was generally considered "Women's work". Unlike the ANBU, the Police Force didn't require a stringent background check that included a Yamanaka taking a trip around his mind. So, considering his other career, the Police Force was the easiest way to become more impressive in the eyes of the opposite sex.

After stretching, he carefully made his way out of his bed, being sure to not disturb the two girls who had joined him the night before. He then padded towards the bathroom in order to get ready for the day. His stomach growled as he smelled the breakfast his third girlfriend was cooking.

* * *

Akimichi Chouji sat in the photographic supplies booth cursing his fate and D rank missions altogether. He'd much rather be serving at the small snack stand across the way, but the last time he'd done that, he'd been forced to spend his savings repaying the stand's owner. Asuma-sensei had decided that this would be a safer bet and had sent Ino to deal with the snack stand. Asuma-sensei himself was off playing Shogi with Shikamaru who had been exempted from the mission because he was a Chunin.

As he was starting to think his day couldn't get any worse, they showed up.

"They" being a bunch of teenage Chunins from a couple of the lesser clans who had taken to tormenting him for some reason.

As he floated down the river in his little booth several minutes later, he plotted revenge. When he was a Police Officer, he'd be able to push them around, and there wouldn't be a damn thing they could do about it.

* * *

Danzo had ordered that one of the Root Agents was to join the Police, and Sai had volunteered. He honestly didn't understand the collective shudder that had gone through the other agents when he did so, or the reaction Shin had when he had gotten back from his mission and found out about Sai's.

"Sai! No! You know how..." Shin said, cutting off as Sai's pack accidentally hit him in the family jewls.

"...accident prone you are." Shin squeaked out as a kunai somehow escaped from Sai's pack and lodged itself at the feet of a messenger when Sai took to the rooftop highway.

"Get back here or else!" Shin yelled as he chased after his little brother when he finally recovered enough to start moving.

* * *

"A Police Officer? Seriously?" Mrs. Yamanaka said to her daughter as she walked with her to the new Academy. "Why? If you want to become a Uchiha, you marry one, you don't go around..."

"It gives me something to do. Besides, Chouji's already joined." Yamanaka Ino replied, barely noticing as a silver haired boy chased after a black haired boy whose pack had come undone and started spilling items ranging from shuriken to paintbrushes which the silver haired boy tripped over.

* * *

Naruto grumbled as the officer led him to a seat in the hallway, not even bothering to unbind his wrists. As he sat down he noticed that the person in the seat next to him was beat boxing.

"What are you in for?" he asked the boy who looked to be about a year older than him who was wearing green spandex.

"I'll show you." the boy said before making noises that sounded exactly like shuriken hitting wood, causing everyone in the bullpen to dive for cover and come back up with weapons.

"Would you fucking quit that?" one of the officers yelled at the boy.

"That's neat Mr..." Naruto said, fishing for an introduction.

"Rock. Rock Lee. Sugoikage Rock Lee M.D." the boy said.

"Let's go Uzumaki." an officer said, pulling him up out of the chair.

"See you around Sugoikage Lee." he said as he was being led down the hall.

"Doctor Sugoikage Lee." the man said.

All too soon, Naruto found himself in a room where the new Hokage was waiting.

"Why can't you stay out of trouble?" the woman sighed. "Last week it was destruction of private property, and this week it's assault and battery. I can't keep saving your ass. The only reason I keep doing it is because of your fa...because you've been through enough."

"I know." he said.

"I can't keep saving you anymore. This time I'm going to have to take your hitai-ate and put you in lockup." the Hokage said.

"But..." he started, stunned that Tsunade would go that far.

"Unless, unless you join the Police Academy." the woman continued.

"I'm not joining the Police Academy." he snarled. He got it from the Uchiha enough every other day of the week.

"It's either that or you get kicked off the ninja force." Tsunade replied.

"Do I get a vest?" he asked.

"What you get is fourteen weeks of police training." Tsunade replied. "Unless they kick you out. You can't quit however, you quit, you quit being a ninja."

"Can I bring a friend?" he asked.

"Who?" she asked.

"Sugoikage Rock Lee. He's my personal physician." he replied.

**Edited 5-7-13  
**


	3. At the Academy

Hyuuga Hinata smiled shyly as she approached the grounds of Konoha's new Police Academy. She had chosen this path, as she had wanted to be with her teammates who had chosen to guard Konoha as Police Officers. She had a feeling that the two Branch House members who accompanied her had been sent because father had wanted them out of his hair, rather than to guard her as they ostensibly were supposed to.

While the Hyuuga tended to be considered "uptight" and "arrogant" since they were mostly rather stiff and formal when dealing with the public, reflecting on their high-born station, these two were...as Naruto-kun would put it, fucking assholes. She seriously wished that her father had chosen anyone else. Hell, she'd even take Pre-Chunin Exam Neji.

Behind her, the two Branch House members were excitedly discussing the fact that they would now be members of Konoha's Military Police.

* * *

Chief of Konoha Military Police Uchiha Hiro scowled as he watched the new recruits swarm across the grounds to the new Police Academy. Dropping numbers of Uchiha and a low birthrate aside, this was the absolute worst decision the Hokage had made so far. The Konoha Military Police Force belonged to the Uchiha and therefore should stay with the Uchiha.

Sneering as a red haired teenager with a gourd of all things strapped to his back wandered past, he made his way to the new "Commandant"'s office. As he was about to enter the building, a Hyuuga walked up to him and blocked his path.

"Hyuuga Shiro reporting for duty sir!" the Hyuuga that he couldn't care less about said, puffed up almost proudly.

"Outta my way asshole!" Hiro snarled as he shoved the Hyuuga aside and made his way into the building.

This was shaping up to be the worst day of his life. Even worse than the day his girlfriend had come to him to inform him she was pregnant, and he therefore had to marry her. Fugaku had been born eight months later, and had been one of the most disagreeable babies he'd had the displeasure of knowing.

* * *

Naruto hopped off of the back of the cart he'd hitched a ride on out to the new Academy grounds.

"Where are we?" Lee asked as he hopped off of the cart.

"Wave." he replied as a group of women who were surrounding one man arrived.

"Goodbye." the silver haired young man was saying. "I love you. Please watch the house while I'm gone."

As the young man continued to make his way to the front of the Academy, the women recuctantly departed.

"I have got to get to know him." Naruto said as he approached the silver haired teen.

"My name's Naruto, what's yours?" he asked.

"Yakushi Kabuto." the silver haired teen replied.

* * *

"Look at that.." Uchiha Hiro as he scowled down at the new recruits from the window of the Commandant's office while his son stood by. "Look at that scum. When I joined the police force, everyone was the right weight, the right height, belonged to the right clan, and they all had Johnsons."

"Just look at these applications." he said as he tossed a file down on his older cousin's desk. "Look at what the Hokage is forcing us to accept. Can you see that she's attempting to dismantle this village's greatest institution of law and order? What do you say to that?"

"The bitch?" Madara who probably should've died of old age decades earlier said questioningly.

"We may be forced to accept this floatsom, but we don't have to put them on the force you know." he said as he moved to the window by his son.

"I'll start washing them out in the morning." Madara said.

"No, no, no cousin. We can't do that, they must be encouraged to quit." he said. "Do you understand?"

"I think I understand sir." Fugaku piped up.

"Thank you son, I'm sure you do." he said as he brushed past the disappointment that had become head of the clan because he was too old to fight much like the doddering old man seated at the desk before him.

"It's clear as glass Chief." the ancient man who'd been put in charge of the Academy because someone important should be given the job, and they didn't want to waste any more valuable resources than they already had on the place since outsiders were invading it.

"Good, then I'm sure you'll know what to do." he said laughing as he departed, his disappointment trailing in his wake.

* * *

As the Uchiha officers who were helping run the Academy grouped the new recruits together and got them into a semblance of order out on the lawn, Hyuuga Shiro said "There sure is alot of foreign and civilian born trash around here."

A hand touched his arm.

He turned to see who it was and found himself looking up, and up, until his eyes finally reached the sharp-toothed grin of the blue-skinned man who had a massive sword strapped to his back that was standing next to him.

"Which I think is good!" he hastily added.

* * *

A few feet over, Uchiha Fugaku who'd just gotten outside was standing next to a particularly small female Hyuuga.

"What are _you _doing here?" he asked the small Hyuuga.

"I-I want to be a police officer." the girl barely audibly whispered.

"What?" he asked.

"I-I w-want to be a po-" the girl whispered even more quietly before becoming entirely inaudible.

"Don't unpack." he said before moving on from the small timid creature.

* * *

"Welp, time to get thrown out." Naruto said once everyone had been grouped together.

Smirking, he pulled out a kunai, a bit of ninja wire, and an explosive tag which he began to very obviously set up.

"What are you doing?" that Police Chief guy he'd heard had been demoted when his father had unretired asked.

"Pulling a prank sir." he replied, grinning.

"Get back in line." the Uchiha said.

He condinued fiddling with the ninja wire and the explosive tag.

"Get back in line NOW!" the Uchiha snapped.

After a brief and wandering speech from the Academy's Commandant who didn't seem to know what day it was, much less how long the recruits were supposed to stay at the Academy amongst other things, they were dismissed in order to get their uniforms. On his way out to the dorms, he noticed a rather nice looking house with attached garden.

"What's that building?" he asked a passer-by.

"That's where the commandant and his wife live." the passer-by replied.

"Interesting." he said with a smirk. "Very interesting."


	4. Trapped?

Chouji had only gotten a little turned around, which was somewhat embarrassing considering he was a ninja. Hoping he wouldn't get laughed at for not being able to find his way around a place he'd never been before since he'd never been allowed, he walked up to one of the boys he'd gone to the Academy with.

"Hey Naruto, can you tell me where to go to get my new uniform?" he asked.

"Sure," the boy said before pointing to a rather nice looking house. "Over there. Be sure to tell them I sent you."

Hoping that this wasn't one of the Uzumaki's pranks, and trusting the boy since he'd pretty much quit pranking people since he'd become a Genin, he headed into the house looking for where he was supposed to get his uniform. Aside from him, the place appeared to be empty.

"Hello?" he said as he opened the door to a room in which he'd heard sounds of human habitation.

He couldn't help but scream. There was an incredibly wrinkly old lady who'd been getting dressed standing in there. After he screamed, she started screaming.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the Commandant's office:**

"Whoops." Madara said as his medication had gone flying out the window, having been flung from his hand when he'd been startled by the ringing of the phone that was connected to his house, which he'd had installed so his wife could call him and remind him if there was anything he needed to do.

"Ah well, it probably won't matter..." Madara said as he looked out the window at the pills that were scattered on the ground.

* * *

"You're sure you mentioned me?" Naruto asked Chouji as they were receiving their room assignments.

"Yep, I wrote your name down for her and everything." Chouji replied.

"Crap." he said as he followed along with the rest of the group, hoping he didn't get stuck with someone who sucked like one of Hinata's cousins for instance.

As he started setting his stuff down in the room, he heard a bark behind him.

Great, just great. He was rooming with Kiba.

* * *

Fugaku looked into the room where a pair of Hyuuga were getting situated. The Hyuuga weren't quite on the same level as the Uchiha, but since there was a dearth of Uchiha amongst the recruits he'd been placed in charge of, they would have to do. One worked with what one had after-all, and what he had to work with was a bunch of incompetents who didn't belong, and these two.

"Room ready for inspection sir!" one of the Hyuuga said the instant he'd noticed him in the doorway, standing at attention.

"That's nice." he said as he moved into the room and closed the door. "Very nice, very orderly."

"Thank you sir." the other Hyuuga who was also standing at attention said.

"I've got a little problem, and maybe you two boys can help me solve it." he said looking at the pair of twats he normally wouldn't associate with. "You see, I've been forced to train a bunch of scum who isn't worthy of the title of officer, and I'd like to get rid of them."

"We understand sir." the first Hyuuga asked. "Which ones do you want us to kiill?"

"Not kill." he said quickly before the overeager recruits went on a killing spree. "No, no, no, not kill. I want you to help me drive them off without the Hokage noticing what we're doing."

"Understood sir." the Hyuuga said.

"Thank you." he said before turning to leave the room, wanting to get as far away from those two as he could get. He could see why Hiashi had gone and dumped them on him.

The next morning, he began to implement his plan. After introducing Anko, he'd introduced the pair of Hyuuga patsies as the new cadet squad leaders, informing the other recruits that they would have to follow every order that the two berks gave them. The instant after he introduced the two bastards, he then started running the recruits into the ground, which was a rather tricky thing to do with ninja of varying ranks and capabilities like the blue swordsman who was clearly at least A-ranked.

That evening, he looked on in satisfaction at all of the recruits who'd dropped off to sleep, completely exhausted. As he went from room to room looking at all of the tired recruits in varying states of dress who were flopped onto their beds, a couple of which were half on and half off of their beds, he heard noises that sounded vaguely like one of those video game things that were becoming popular amongst the civilian children.

Going to investigate, he saw the Rock Lee kid sitting on his bed pretending to play an arcade game, and supplying all of the noises for it.

"So, when does evening training begin?" Rock Lee asked once he'd gotten a "game over".

Shaking his head, he backed out of the room and moved on to more satisfying sights. He should've known that anyone associated with Maito Gai was sure to be defective.

* * *

Naruto snickered as he watched the Uchiha guy scribble on the chalkboard, trying to make what he was writing as indecipherable as possible so that anyone taking notes would be confused. That man had nothing on Assistant Instructor Mizuki on a bad day with a hangover. When the Uchiha started asking about skills outside the standard ninja skillset that any of them might have, he gave a completely asinine answer after one of the Hyuuga jerks that made pre-Chunin Exam Neji look kind and thoughtful had lied his ass off.

"Uzumaki, if you're trying to get thrown out of here, I can tell you right now that it won't happen." the Uchiha guy said.

"Won't happen?!" he exclaimed.

"What the hell's going on here?" he asked Lee as the Uchiha guy walked off."I have to see the Commandant about this."

Moments later, Lee faked an intercom summons for him and he left. He wished he'd had the older boy around when he'd been at the Academy. He probably could've used him to get him out of some of the really boring classes before the Instructors finally caught on.

When he arrived at the Commandant's office, the incredibly wrinkly old man with long spiky white hair which nearly went down to his knees and covered one of his eyes who was wearing the standard Uchiha Police uniform was sitting by his desk polishing a Gunbai which was attached to a kama that was resting by his leg with a chain.

"No-one's allowed in here." the Commandant grumbled, not even looking up from what he was doing.

"I've got a problem Chief." he said, ignoring the dismissal.

"It's Commandant." the Commandant snapped.

"Sorry, Commandant." he said.

"What do you want?" the Commandant asked when he finally grew resigned to the fact that he wasn't leaving.

"I want out of here." he said.

"Out of this office?" the Commandant asked. "Fine, leave."

"No, I want out of this Academy." he replied.

"Well then, quit." the Commandant said.

"I can't quit. The Hokage..." he started.

"You must be the Uzumaki." the Commandant said. "I've got orders regarding you. Apparently, I've got to keep you here until the training cycle ends."

"You mean I'm trapped here?!" stunned by this turn of events even though he shouldn't have been.

"Join the club." the Commandant said, setting the fan aside and moving for the sickle.


	5. Just Another Day in the Neighborhood

Training continued as it often did, with the Uchiha guy and the bloodthirsty Mitarashi lady who was like his assistant or something attempting to run them into the ground in the hopes of getting the weaker recruits to quit. He did what he could to get himself thrown out, even though it was a futile gesture, and each time an attempt failed, he would pull something to make someone around him miserable.

Today, he'd decided to shred the legs of his Academy Issued training sweats just for the hell of it. Smirking at the strips of cloth which were flapping loosely around his legs, he decided to go and bother that Uchiha guy again.

"Excuse me, but something seems to have happened to my pants." he said when he'd caught the attention of that rather constipated looking Uchiha guy who had lines on his face that looked like the ones on that Itachi guy's.

"Go to supply and get another pair." the Uchiha guy said after giving him a frustrated sigh.

Smirking, he walked off to supply where a bored looking Sasuke handed him another pair of Academy issue sweats without looking up from the book he was reading.

"I thought you and Sakura were off doing missions with Kakashi-sensei." he said.

"Dad called me back for this mess." Sasuke said with a rather uncharacteristic scowl that made his normally happy face look strange.

"I feel for you man." he said. "I've been trying to get thrown out since day one."

Giving him one of the smiles he was more familiar with as he left, Sasuke told him to have a nice day.

As he was making his way back to where he was supposed to be training, trying to think of some way to wreak havoc, he ran into Sasuke's mom. Mikoto was a nice lady who usually had something nice to say to him when they met, and he liked her.

"Hi Mikoto-san, watcha got there?" he asked, pointing at the small package she was carrying.

"My husband forgot his lunch, and I figured I'd bring it to him." Mikoto replied.

"Your husband?" he asked.

Mikoto giggled and gave him a slightly sad smile.

"I believe you know him, since he's training your group." Mikoto said.

"Oh, you mean that grumpy Uchiha guy." he said, wondering how someone like Sasuke could come from someone like that.

As Mikoto giggled again, he got a bright idea.

"You know, I could give his lunch to him, seeing as I'm headed back that way an' all." he said with a smile.

"Thank you Naruto, you're so helpful." Mikoto said as she handed him the wrapped bento.

As soon as he was out of Mikoto's sight, he swiftly made his way back to his room and went sorting through his prank supplies looking for a certain something that was colorless, odorless, flavorless, and wouldn't work on its own but reacted quite nicely to that awful canned tea that that Uchiha guy was fond of.

After re-wrapping the bento so it looked like it hadn't been tampered with, he headed over to the nearest vending machine and got a can of that godawful tea that that Uchiha guy liked. Trap set, he made his way back to where he should be.

* * *

Madara sighed as he strolled across the grounds getting a good look at the mess he'd been placed in charge of since nobody else in the clan had wanted the job. Ever since he'd had that accident with his medication, he'd been feeling antsy and wanting to do something with the moon. He'd been trying to keep himself occupied in order to calm these urges, but there was only so many times one could clean and polish one's weapon collection.

Walking hurt, and he'd had to frequently stop for breaks on his way across the Police Academy lawns. He didn't know when or how but he'd somehow crossed the line between merely old and positively ancient. All he knew was that he'd kept getting older and older until he'd outlived his entire generation, including Mito who'd come from a clan that was famed for their longevity. He couldn't even remember how old he was these days.

Eventually, he found himself where his cousin's grandson Fugaku was training the bunch of rejects who'd decided to join the bone that that Tobirama asshole who'd killed his brother had thrown the Uchiha clan in order to get them to shut up about the fact that they weren't being let into the village government and the fact that Tobirama wasn't picking them to be ANBU. Personally, he didn't give a damn about the Uchiha Police or this Academy, but since he was in charge, he may as well at least pretend to act like it seeing as this was the closest thing he'd ever get to action at his age.

As he approached, the Uzumaki that he wasn't allowed to throw out on his friend Hashirama's granddaughter's orders came up to Fugaku

"Your wife brought this for you sir." the Uzumaki said as he held out a wrapped bento and a can of that abomination that didn't deserve the appellation of "tea".

"Give me that!" Fugaku said as he snatched the lunch and the can out of the Uzumaki's hands "And, go join the rest of the group."

From the looks of things, Fugaku was rather hungry, having almost entirely missed his lunch that day.

"Go ahead, I'm about to head back and get something to eat myself." he said, gesturing to the bento as he wondered what the Uzumaki had done to it since the child didn't seem the sort to do favors for people like Fugaku.

Without another word, Fugaku opened his lunch, took a bite of the rice, and then popped open the can of "tea" and took a sip of it. He then took another bite of rice.

For a second, he could almost swear...

"Something wrong sir?" Fugaku asked when he noticed his frown.

Fugaku's teeth were green.

A moment later, he found that he couldn't reply to Fugaku's query, because he was laughing too hard.

* * *

Kabuto slipped into the shadows as Uchiha Fugaku told those Hyuuga dicks to run the Uzumaki boy until he threw up and then run him some more. Considering the fact that the kid was the Kyuubi jinchuriki, that could take quite a while. He had other business than watching the two Hyuuga assholes run themselves down trying to run the Jinchuriki into the ground this evening however.

Orochimaru hadn't minded him joining the police force even if it reduced the amount of times he could get to Otogakure which had been founded after Orochimaru had done one experiment too many and accidentally unleashed the Kyuubi upon Konoha, causing the man's other experiments to come to light, and forcing him to leave the village. Most people are of the opinion that there were things that man Was Not Meant To Know, Orochimaru had not so respectfully disagreed, and the incident that had caused the current Kyuubi Jinchuriki being born premature and the Kyuubi Jinchuriki in the first place had been a result of one of his quests for knowledge.

His business this evening however had nothing to do with Orochimaru or Otogakure however, and everything to do with a set of dorms that were across the Academy. Most of the buildings on the Konoha Police Academy grounds were brand-new, like the one he was headed to, having been built as a result of the Hokage's opening recruitment to just about anyone and everyone who applied. The Commandant who'd been pulled out of a decades long retirement was relatively new as well, though he had helped train the first batch of police officers after the Nidaime had handed over control of Konoha's police forces to the Uchiha.

Despite the fact that everything here should be in relative chaos considering the fact that what was going on was unprecedented and the fact that Uzumaki Naruto was involved, things had been running reasonably smoothly. Likely because Madara who'd gone to the Nara for mood stabilizers shortly after the founding of the village and been on them ever since was willing to sit back and let everyone do pretty much whatever they wanted in the running of the Academy and Fugaku had taken that to mean running the place with an iron fist.

Everyone had thought that Konoha would go to hell in a handbasket after the Sandaime had retired and named Tsunade of all people his successor, especially since she'd been taking suggestions from Danzo whose attempts at furthering Konoha's interests almost always turned around and bit the village in the ass, but nearly a year on, and the village was still standing. Not that Orochimaru particularly cared, seeing as he was so wrapped up in furthering the bounds of human knowledge in highly unethical ways, which made his spying job which he'd gotten to pick up chicks even easier.

Pulling himself out of his musings and ducking behind a tree as Naruto and the Hyuuga who were beginning to sound tired passed, he waited until the coast was clear. As soon as it was, he used a jutsu that he'd learned from somebody who'd learned from somebody who'd learned it from an eight year-old. Once the Henge was in place, he pulled on the bathrobe he'd brought with him and made his way into the dormitories.

The women's dormitories.

Unbeknownst to him, Mitarashi Anko had been watching as he payed his call of the evening.


	6. Pervert!

Just about everyone groaned when they'd each been handed a brace of kunai and sent out to the target range to practice. This was Academy stuff, and several of them had been out of the Academy for years, if not decades by this point. Kiba didn't groan however, since it had been a while since he had been able to do anything ninja related, since the physical training that the group had been run through didn't really count.

After a while of standing in line throwing kunai at a stationary target, he started getting bored as well however.

"Cover your ears Akamaru." he said to the pup on top of his head as he wrapped a little something extra around his kunai.

There was a hissing sound as his kunai sailed through the air and bullseyed the target. A second later, his target exploded.

"Inuzuka!" the Uchiha trainer with the extra-large stick up his ass who'd been going up and down the line critiquing everyone's throwing technique yelled as he stormed over to him. "Who the hell told you you could throw explosive tags?!"

"Good going Kiba!" Ino sarcastically yelled over to him as the uptight Uchiha confiscated all of the tags he had on his person.

* * *

"You will be learning how to restrain hostile suspects." Mitarashi Anko said as she paced in front of the group she'd been assigned to teach, wishing she were anywhere but here since what she was doing was practically babysitting. "I will need a volunteer. Chouji?"

"I just ate." the Akimichi said, setting aside his bag of chips which he'd been steadily munching on since they'd arrived in the training area.

"Get up here!" she said, tossing a kunai at him when he didn't start moving fast enough, drawing blood.

"Now come at me as if you were holding a kunai." she said when he stood facing her across the training floor.

"Do I have to?" the Akimichi whined.

"NOW!" she snapped.

He ran at her, she grabbed him, flipped him, and pinned him so that she was sitting on his upper chest with her knees on either side of his face.

"Who's next?" she asked.

Every last one of the boys in the class raised their hand and clamored to be selected.

* * *

Naruto leaned against a certain railing holding a beer he'd pilfered from one of the groundskeeper's secret stashes and waiting, being careful not to look at the scene below. The trap was set, and hopefully the target would take the bait. He did his best to keep his smirk off of his face when the ra- er, Uchiha walked up to the trap and snagged his beer and told him to get lost, leaning against the rail as he did so.

Hiding a smirk behind his hand, he walked off a little ways. As soon as he was a few feet away, he yelled "Pervert!". A moment later, there was a scream as one of the girls taking a shower in the room below looked out the window and noticed the Uchiha guy leaning against the railing. Moments later, about a good half dozen naked and towel-clad Kunoichi swarmed out of the women's dormitory showers and attacked the Uchiha who turned to defend himself.

That was around the time his wife showed up to see if he was going to pull another all-nighter at work. All of the color drained out of the Uchiha guy's face when he caught sight of his wife's expression. Instead of fighting, he turned and ran, his wife and a gaggle of angry Kunoichi on his heels.

This was more fun to watch than when Ero-Senin got caught, and, as he learned the next morning, it proved to be the last straw for the Uchiha.

"You've finally done it Uziumaki. You've finally caused enough chaos that I want you out of here no matter what the Commandant says." the Uchiha guy said as he grabbed him and started leading him out of the dorms. "We're going to wait until the Hokage has time for us, and then you are going to talk to her and explain exactly why you don't belong in my Academy, and you are going to get her to let you leave."

As the Uchiha guy none too gently dragged him across the Academy grounds, he saw HER. She was standing there giving him a sweet and rather amused smile which she promptly hid behind her hand and tried to change into a more serious and disapproving expression. She didn't appear to have been amused that he was in trouble, but amused by what he'd done to cause himself to be in said trouble, as apparently word had gotten around that he'd caught out a pervert and nobody had yet learned that he'd been the one who'd set the "pervert" up save for the "pervert" himself.

Sure, he'd seen her before, knew her in fact since they both went to the Ninja Academy together and had been in the same class in the same year, and she was always hanging around Sakura, but it had been here that he finally started getting to know her and realize that he liked her a bit since he was actually interacting with her. It probably wasn't love, but it had started his heart racing a little when he saw her, and he'd been tempted to pull a few slightly perverted pranks in order to get her to notice him. Considering the fact that she had a temperament that was somewhat similar to Sakura's however, he'd refrained.

Instead of being his obnoxious usual self which had always gotten negative results from Sakura, he'd quietly watched her, and directed his pranks away from any of her friends that were here after that first stunt he'd pulled with Chouji. Apparently, that had done the trick since she'd actually started talking to him rather than avoiding him like kids other than Chouji, Shikamaru, Kiba, and his teammates usually did, and he found it to be nice. Studying together had been fun as well, as she had actually helped him with the material a few times.

He wanted to know exactly where this could go if anywhere, but he wouldn't be able to learn that if he left like he'd been angling to do since the day he arrived. That, and now that that grumpy Uchiha guy was trying to get rid of him, he rather perversely found that he didn't exactly want to leave, if only because it would piss the Uchiha guy off even more, which the Uchiha guy deserved because of the way he was treating everyone who wasn't one of those two Hyuuga jerks.

All too soon, he and that Uchiha guy were sitting outside of Tsunade-baachan's office and waiting for her to get out of a meeting with those old people who used to hang around the Old Man all the time. Keeping himself from smiling as he laid out his little plan, he sat next to the Uchiha guy who was rather stiffly sitting in his seat, not letting his back touch the backrest.

Eventually, the Shizune lady who'd been Tsunade-baachan's student for like forever called him and the Uchiha guy into Tsunade-baachan's office.

"What do you want brat?" Tsunade-baachan asked as soon as he set foot in the office.

"Can I leave?" he asked in a rather insincere tone.

"My office?" Tsunade-baachan asked.

"No, the Police Academy." he replied.

"No." Tsunade-baachan snapped.

"Okay then." he said as he turned and started skipping off.

"I tried and she said no." he said as he passed the grumpy Uchiha jerk.

"I heard." the Uchiha guy said sourly.


	7. A Party and Something Else

Hyuuga Shiro stood in line as Fugaku-sama told everyone that they were going to be given two days leave, and encouraged the weaklings to quit as four of them already had. He just hoped that he wasn't picked to make the Uzumaki's weekend hell like he and his cousin had been ever since the boy had refused to leave the Academy after weeks of whining over the fact that he didn't want to be here. He knew that it was his job as a future member of the Konoha Military Police Force to weed out the undesirables so they didn't weaken the force and therefore weaken Konoha as a whole, but the Uzumaki always managed to find a way to turn things around on him and his cousin, and make them just as miserable as he was if not moreso.

After Fugaku dismissed the group, he walked up to him and his cousin, apparently having a task for them to complete while they were on leave from the Academy.

"They're going to throw a party. Brats like them always do." he said when they were huddled together. "I want you to find it, and when it gets out of control as they always do, I want you to fetch me."

"Understood sir." he said.

He and his cousin brainstormed over how they would find the party which they clearly hadn't been invited to if there even was one. After a bit of discussion, it was decided that Chouji was likely going to be the weakest link, and they decided to catch him alone and intimidate him into giving the answer.

* * *

"Did I do good?" Chouji asked as he popped open a bag of chips.

"You did very good." Naruto said with a wicked grin as he did his best not to remember how he'd found that bar and what had been inside lest he be scarred for life. Again.

* * *

"Doesn't this place look a bit...adult for a party that's going to be attended by twelve year-olds?" Shiro asked his cousin as they approached the purple door in the alley.

"Pfft. You know Genin. They do everything just to prove they can." his cousin replied.

"We didn't when we were Genin." he said.

"Yes, but we were proper Hyuuga." his cousin sniffed as they approached the door.

"Who sent you?" a Kunoichi who'd melted out of the shadows of the alcove by the door asked.

"The Uzumaki did." he said confidently, remembering what that fat lump Chouji had told him after he and his cousin had threatened to use the Juken on him. "He said the password is Banana."

The Kunoichi gave the door a complicated series of raps and stepped aside as it opened. He and his cousin walked inside to find the room they were standing in was a bar which was crowded with men that were all sorts of strange. His cousin gave a strangled squeak that was worthy of Hinata when he caught sight of his own father who was sitting at a table near the back with a heavily made-up "Kunoichi". As they stood there uncertainly, a large muscular man who was dressed head to toe in leather and mesh walked up to them.

"You two boys here for the party?" the man asked.

"Um, yes, yes we are." he replied, trying to sound confident.

"Right this way gentlemen." the man said as he turned and led the pair of them into the back.

"I'm not sure whether to be proud that my boy's finally becoming a man or not considering..." his cousin's father said as he and his cousin followed the leather clad man into the back.

* * *

While a certain pair of Hyuuga were discovering the mysteries behind the purple door, a clearing in the woods a couple miles away from Konoha was full of more people and noise than it had ever been since the day the Senju and the Uchiha had discovered that they were trying to camp in the same spot a century before. This time there wouldn't be any bloody corpses to clean up and bury however.

"So, why did you decide to attend the Academy Hoshigaki-san?" Naruto asked the blue-skinned man whom he was helping lug booze in for the adults and the more adventurous teens who weren't concerned about what their clans or their families might say or do if they turned up back at home obviously intoxicated at three in the morning or later.

"I lost a bet." Kisame replied.

Naruto snickered. That was a good a reason as any. He'd never lost a bet before, but he'd seen the results of a fair few lost bets, and becoming a police officer was pretty mild in comparison to what could have happened.

After he and Kisame set the booze down, he stood by watching everyone dance around and generally make fools of themselves. Someone had set up a radio which was blasting out music, and someone else, probably Sasuke or Itachi who were there for some reason had set up a bonfire. As he watched, the adults and older teens started separating themselves from the younger teens, probably so they could have a slightly wilder party away from the kids where they could let loose in ways that would have parents yelling at them had they engaged in such activities in front of the youngsters who weren't really adults despite the hitai-ate that marked them as being old enough to kill, and the fact that their career made them more mature than civilian children their age.

Following the adults more out of curiosity than anything since he didn't have parents who would get on anyone's case over this, he made his way to the clearing they'd commandeered for their little after party party. Knowing that he wouldn't be welcome if he tried to join in since his age would be quite the hindrance to certain activities, he watched as Kabuto seduced one woman, and then another and then another in rapid succession. Kabuto's behavior was pretty tame compared to what some of the others were doing however, though none of them had gone all the way in front of everyone else, and if they planned to go all the way with someone or more than one someone, they tended to make their way off into the woods where they might find some privacy.

As he watched a drunken Kunoichi who looked to be about twenty swing her shirt around, he heard someone come up behind him. He turned and saw that it was Ino whom he'd recently been discovering that he had somewhat warm feelings for. He smiled.

"I think I should've stayed with the kid's party." she said as the kunoichi who'd been swinging her shirt had flung it and started removing her bra.

"You wanna get out of here?" he asked.

"Yes." Ino said as she watched in horrified fascination as the woman tossed her bra to Kisame who snatched it out of the air.

"So, why did you decide to become a police officer?" he asked Ino as they walked through the woods, carefully avoiding couples as they did so.

"I wanted to do something interesting besides being your standard run of the mill Kunoichi, and you can't say that being a police officer isn't interesting." Ino replied.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the place with no name and a purple door, a pair of half-dressed Hyuuga ran screaming from the back room and flew through the bar. They almost made it to the door when they realized their way was blocked. They skidded to a stop and moved into Juken stances, prepared to fight their way out.

"Come now son." the father of one of the Hyuuga who had been the one blocking the doorway said. "I didn't pay for your and your cousin's evening for you to just waste it like this. Now go back in there like a man and get your money's worth."


	8. Interesting Events

Shiro whimpered and completely tried to avoid Fugaku who was speaking with the special assistants who'd come to help out that day as everyone lined up for the house clearing training that they were about to go through. Ever since their weekend leave, he had been particularly careful to avoid his cousin who couldn't even look at him. The entire class was gathered around a rather ramshackle hose in the woods which had been set up with a number of various types of Bunshin targets which had been supplied by the Uchiha, which they were to clear out of the house without getting "killed".

Completely avoiding Fugaku would be impossible, but he was determined to do so for as long as possible. He had completely failed in the task the man had given him, having been outwitted by an Akimichi and the Uzumaki boy who had graduated last in his class at the Ninja Academy. He didn't want to remember what had happened to him when he'd gone hunting down the party that the police recruits had thrown, but he knew that he wouldn't be forgetting anytime soon, especially considering...

"As I've already told your cousin, you completely failed the assignment I gave you." Fugaku said when he came up behind him out of nowhere. "When I ask you to do something, I don't expect you to go gallivanting off and having fun instead of doing what I ask. You were supposed to find the party, and then you were supposed to come to me. Was that too much for your small brain to understand?"

"No sir," he said. "Sorry sir, it won't happen again."

"Good." Fugaku said coldly. "I hear that congratulations are in order, as you've recently been betrothed. While I personally don't approve of such things, congratulations on your engagement."

As Fugaku stalked off, he didn't know whether to be mortified, relieved, or insulted. The morning after he and his cousin had returned from that "bar", he had been called to meet with the clan head who had apparently arranged his marriage while he'd been snatching a couple hours of fitful, nightmare laden sleep. He and his very male cousin were engaged to be married. To each-other.

* * *

Kiba twitched in anticipation as he waited for his turn. Hoshigake Kisame had gotten a perfect score when he did his run of the house, but that was expected of an S-Ranked ninja. Chouji hadn't done too well until one of the guys who were hiding in the house called him a fatass. He'd gotten tagged half-way through, somewhere in one of he hallways though. He just hoped that the ninja supplying the clones didn't run out of Chakra before it was his turn. He was sure he'd do awesome when it was his turn to go, and he just couldn't wait to kick some ass.

"Inuzuka, you're up." Fugaku finally said when he'd reached the point where he was about to burst from anticipation.

"You ready Akamaru?" he asked.

The pup on his head gave an affirmative bark as he dropped to the ground.

"Let's go!" he yelled before charging at the house with a wordless war cry, ignoring how everyone behind him buried their faces in their hands behind him.

Moments later, there was a shattering of glass as he hurled a Tsuchi Bunshin out the window. There was a splash in the kitchen as a Mizu Bunshin dispersed after Akamaru had dealt with it. A Kage Bunshin poofed out of existence in the living-room after he and Akamaru had taken it out in a combo attack. He ran upstairs. Waiting for him in the second bedroom on the right was a clone of Sasuke's older brother.

Wait? Wasn't Itachi famous for...

"OH SHI-"

**BOOOOOOOOOM!**

* * *

Following a hard day's training and a bit of sneaking around after darkness had fallen, Kabuto smirked as "she" knocked on the door of the room that belonged to the young woman he was going to visit that evening. He was right at that age where it wasn't too creepy for him to go as low as sixteen or as high as thirty-five. The woman he was visiting tonight however was the same age as him, nineteen. He knew that tonight was going to be a good night because he'd visited this woman before.

When the door opened however, his evening's date wasn't standing there. In her stead was the assistant instructor Mitarashi Anko. He quickly turned to leave.

"Get back here!" she yelled, pausing him in his tracks.

"Yes Mitarashi-san." he said as he turned back and entered the room after a couple of moments of careful consideration, and she closed the door behind him.

"I-I can explain..." he started.

"You've been sneaking in here every night for weeks." Anko said, sounding almost bloodthirsty, but that was pretty much normal for her, so it was actually nearly impossible to accurately gauge her mood at the moment.

"I-I can explain..." he started again as he mentally cast about for a reasonable explanation for why he'd been sneaking around the women's dormitories that didn't involve him well...

Before he could explain however, Anko had grabbed him, threw him onto the bed, forcing him to release his Henge in shock, climbed on top of him, straddled him, pinned his arms, and then kissed him.

Well, this could prove interesting...

It did prove most interesting, and he was nearly too exhausted to move when he made his way back to his own room in the morning.

* * *

Fugaku scowled as he looked over the group he was teaching how to properly speak with a suspect. As well as following proper procedure, one must speak with complete authority. Be too informal or too quiet, and you will lose all respect. Not that his students were likely to appreciate what he had to teach. The Yakushi kid was looking tired and possibly hung over. The Hyuuga girl who was the Hyuuga clan head's eldest was sitting there nervously tapping her forefingers together and doing her best to hide her eyes. In fact, she was doing just about everything she could to make herself invisible, and was almost completely drawn in on herself.

She'd be his first vict- er, volunteer for this lesson.

"Hyuuga Hinata, please step forward." he said after introducing the lesson.

He gave a hypothetical in which he was a burglar being caught in the act. The girl gave a stuttering "Um," and a shy squeak in response before he told her to return to her seat in disgust. He still had no idea why she was even here, and strongly suspected that her father must've put her up to it.

"Inuzuka, you're up next." he said as soon as the Hyuuga was seated back in the back, trying to make herself invisible once more.

The Inuzuka boy sprang up practically bouncing in overeager excitement, much like the Uzumaki used to do prior to his graduation from the Academy. He gave the Inuzuka the same hypothetical with himself as the burglar. The boy's dog dropped off his head and onto the floor beside him as he pulled out a kunai. Both boy and dog moved to attack.

"Fucking drop it before I kill you asshole!" the Inuzuka yelled as he and his dog both charged him.

He quickly dropped both the boy and his dog without even bothering to activate his Sharingan. Then he threw the two of them in the general direction of the grouped students. Based on the sound of their landing, all of the students had managed to dive out of the way as the boy and his dog flew past.

"Inuzuka, you and I are going to be having a very long discussion about appropriate use of force later." he said as the boy lost consciousness.

None of the students looked particularly eager to participate after the Inuzuka's display. Hopefully, some of them would quit after this, but he doubted it since he was reasonably certain that all of the weaklings had been weeded out by now.

All of the weaklings aside from the Hyuuga girl who just didn't know when to quit that was.


	9. Podium Surprise

"So, how do you want to get back at that lardass Chouji for what he did to us?" Shiro asked, being careful not to look at his future spouse with whom he still had to share a room. Damn his clan for being so "permissive" regarding same-sex relationships.

He could think of any number of ways he could deal with Chouji and that damned Uzumaki who'd put him up to it, each one more bloody than the last. Unfortunately, he didn't know how to implement these plans without getting caught and possibly serving jail time if he wasn't locked in the mental ward of the Konoha Hospital or killed outright. That, and his cousin should have some say in what happened since it was Chouji and Naruto's fault that they were getting married, mostly Chouji's fault since it had been him who'd actually gone through with directing them to that godsawful place where...

"How about we get him thrown out of the Academy and see where it goes from there?" his cousin replied. "He's so all-fired determined to become a police officer after-all, and it'll be good to crush his dreams like he did ours before tossing us into the jaws of a most capricious Fate."

"How do we do that?" he asked.

"I've got an idea involving that whole morals clause thing that the Sandaime had put in after he'd learned about the protection racket that the Uchiha had going." his cousin replied.

An hour later, the pair of them were leading an over-painted prostitute into the dormitories. There was going to be a room inspection later, and as soon as Fugaku saw the prostitute...

* * *

Chouji stared at the painted lady of the evening who was sitting on his bed when he'd returned to his room in order to prepare it for the inspection. He had a room inspection coming up in mere minutes, and he most definitely didn't need a middle-aged whore hanging around when that Uchiha bastard came to look at his room and make sure everything was in order.

How the hell did one get rid of a prostitute though? Maybe Kabuto or Naruto would know...

Hurrying out of his room, he went to look for either the resident prankster or the resident ladies man. Hopefully the one he ran into would be willing to help with his problem. He had roughly equal chances of Naruto being a hindrance rather than a help, but since it would be in Naruto's best interests if he stayed since he was one of the few people who were on the boy's side, he figured that his former and once again current classmate would help him this time. Just in case though, he rather hoped that he ran into Kabuto first, since he knew that the older boy would be willing to help.

He ran into Naruto first.

"Naruto, I need help!" he said. "Someone put a hooker in my room, and I need to get rid of it before the inspection."

Naruto laughed his ass off at this, but fortunately, being the good friend that he was, he also hustled the hooker out of his room and out of the dorm entirely.

* * *

Madara sighed as he continued the tour of the Police Academy Campus wincing every time a joint popped or creaked as he forced himself to walk without assistance in order to appear strong even in his extremely advanced old age. He'd received visitors who were in charge of or in high positions in the police forces of several other villages at the Hokage's behest, and he was currently showing off Konoha's new Police Academy to said visitors. Personally, he found leading these stuffed shirts who were puffed up on their own self-importance around to be tiring at best and an exercise in restraining his homicidal impulses at worst. The tour was almost over however. After a speech, these losers who had nothing on the Uchiha when it came to policework would be gone.

Upon entering the newly-built auditorium, he gestured for the foreign "dignitaries" to all take seats and he moved to stand behind the massive podium which had clearly been built in order to look impressive, rather than out of any true purpose. As he stood there, he could've sworn he'd heard breathing.

His suspicions were confirmed when he heard movement, and a pair of hands grabbed the front of his pants and tugged it down. Sensing the Uzumaki boy's Chakra and wondering what the aim of this particular prank was, he continued his speech as if nothing was happening while surreptitiously pulling a kunai out of his sleeve ready to strike at the brat before he painted him blue or something. When he felt a hand grabbing his shriveled package, he glanced down and was rather amused to find himself looking at a hooker who'd been about to give him a blow-job. Shrugging, he looked back up and got back to his speech.

"Try all you want, it hasn't worked in twenty years." he said to the frustrated hooker when his speech was finally over and he'd suggested everyone go to lunch.

"What hasn't worked in twenty years?" the delegate from Suna who had been standing with the rest of the group who were heading to the luncheon which had been rather generously provided by Fugaku's wife asked.

"Someone hired me a hooker." he said as he pulled his package back and re-adjusted his clothing.

"Hired you a...oh." the Suna delegate said as his confusion turned to dawning realization then horror as he glanced at the seemingly innocuous podium.

There was a collective look of horror on the faces of the entire group of foreign delegates which had been a result of them simultaneously imagining his shriveled and ancient package getting sucked off. A collective shudder ran through the group as they hastily made their way out of the room.

Just for that, the entire prank had been worth it. He'd wanted to do something to those guys, and scarring them for life was as good a thing as any considering how difficult killing people, especially competent ninjas, was at his advanced age.

Having experienced life to the point where he was more than old enough to die in bed surrounded by his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, he could categorically state that he wished that he'd gone out in a blaze of glory in his youth. One titanic battle that would go down in the history books and forever mark the land on which it had taken place, preferably with Hashirama as his opponent or even Tobirama in a pinch, and then done. That's how it should have been, not growing so old that he could barely see, barely pee, and barely hold his Gunbai, much less wield it.

Unfortunately, it was only the good who died young. Like that Uzumaki brat would be doing if he ever tried anything like that again.

* * *

Naruto did his best to dash his brains out against the interior of the podium as he tried to get rid of the memory of the last fifteen minutes. That had to have been the most absolutely horrifying thing he'd seen in his entire life, including the time he'd walked in on the Old Man Sandaime while he was in the shower.

He'd come to the podium in the auditorium because that had been the first place he could think of to stash the hooker until he could get her off the Academy grounds without anyone noticing. After telling her to hide there, he'd fed her some bullshit about not being the actual customer and got ready to leave. That was the point at which the door to the auditorium had opened. Not knowing what else to do, he'd panicked and dove into the podium with the hooker who was waiting for her "real customer".

It had been because he'd dove into the small cramped space that he'd gotten a front-row view of..._That...Oh Gods, THAT...she'd...and, it was so old and wrinkly and it didn't even...Oh gods, he could still see every second of it and it was burned into his brain andhewanteditoutoutoutoutoutout..._

The next time someone needed help getting rid of a hooker or a one-night stand who wouldn't leave, he was going to laugh in their face and stab them repeatedly.


	10. Outta Sight

Training continued apace, and all of the recruits had greatly improved in their knowledge of police work and the associated skill-set necessary to be a good officer, including Sai who was getting along with few mishaps. Eventually it got to the point where it was thought that the recruits were experienced enough to shadow officers on actual patrols. Out of some sort of masochistic impulse, Fugaku chose Naruto to be the recruit that would tail him around the village on patrol.

Perhaps it wasn't entirely rooted in masochistic desire to see himself suffer at the hands of the Uzumaki who'd constantly outmaneuvered him at every turn despite the fact that he was nearly thirty years his junior, considering the fact that he took every opportunity to torment the boy who'd actually considered staying on as a police officer following the end of his training at the Academy that he could, even pushing him off a roof once. He claimed it was an accident, but everyone knew.

Kiba who was following a rather clumsy officer named Obito around enjoyed the opportunity to be out in the village doing actual police work even if it was getting cats out of trees, and even if it was just that one time because he'd used Akamaru to do it after he'd missed with the kunai.

None of the other officers or recruits seemed to have all that much trouble with each-other except for maybe the officer Sai was trailing who'd been forced to go home with a broken leg.

Naruto's luck and possibly the fact that Fate seemed to have a love-hate thing going with him got its revenge on Fugaku for how he was treated by the man two days into the patrols. Naruto honestly hadn't been involved aside from the fact that he'd stood there and watched in complete horror as events unfolded.

What had happened was there was an accident involving the cart of a merchant who sold chickens. This distraction and the loose chickens that were running around everywhere had naturally tangled up foot and cart traffic in the market district. Fugaku, who'd sneered at Hinata's ineffective attempts to get the matter sorted out as she tried to solve everyone's problems at once, decided to jump in and sort everything out.

What he ended up doing was slipping in some unidentifiable road slime and doing a face plant into the back end of an ox. To add further insult to injury, the creature decided to take a dump at that exact moment, meaning that by the time Fugaku had made his escape from the scene, he smelled like an ox's ass and was partially covered in shit.

This wasn't the worst thing he'd been covered in, as there had been some unfortunate incidents back during the last war, but it was the worst thing he'd been covered in in the full view of the public, and it had come after a rather egregious loss of poise and balance. Naturally, word of the event spread far and wide, and the story grew with each telling as those who disliked Fugaku for various reasons embellished it. By the time word of what happened was making its second round of the village, several people were willing to swear that they'd seen Fugaku's head get stuck in an ox's ass, and that several ANBU had to come and help pull him out.

Following this incident, Fugaku did his best to maintain his dignity and not go on any homicidal rampages, but such things are hard to do when you've suddenly become known as the guy who's seen the inside of an ox's rectum up close and personally and everyone around you is laughing about it either internally or even to your face.

Having the Lee kid bellow like a wounded ox every time he was in the vicinity didn't help his stress levels any either.

* * *

Late at night two days after the ox incident, Naruto groaned as something woke him up. Rolling over, his mind snapped completely awake in an instant when he saw Hoshigaki Kisame towering over his bed.

"What do you want?" he asked the massive blue man who was giving him a rather disturbing smile.

"We're going to be learning how to deal with high-speed pursuits, and need help since I don't know Konoha's layout all that well." Kisame said.

"You don't?" he asked.

"I was raised in Kiri, and I've spent most of my time in the village here at the Police Academy. I figured you could help me since I heard that you've been evading ANBU since you were eight." Kisame replied.

"Fine." he said. "Sleep's for losers anyway."

Sighing, he led the tall blue man with the sharp teeth and the gills that made him look like a fish out of the dorms, out of the Academy, and into Konoha proper.

"Best way to learn is to start a chase." he said as he pulled out several paint tags that he'd been saving for a special occasion. "You might wanna change your appearance to something a little less conspicuous."

All too soon, the chase was on, and he was leading Kisame around the village with the ANBU and several of the Uchiha hot on their heels. They ended up losing one of their pursuers when a Uchiha missed a jump, smacked into the side of a building, and landed in a dumpster.

One down, nearly a dozen more to go...

* * *

Hyuuga Shiro watched as his clan head's eldest daughter made a complete fool of herself during the pursuit portion of their training, apparently having not learned the Shunshin more than a few days before. She may have graduated earlier that year, but that was no excuse. She was Hyuuga, and the Hyuuga were supposed to be the best at everything they did, especially the members of the Main Branch.

As he watched, the target that Hinata was supposed to be pursuing looped in the direction of the observers, stopped, jumped over the entire group with a Chakra assisted leap, and kept on going. Hinata however Shunshined straight at the group and ran right into him.

"Watch where you're going you useless little bitch!" he yelled at the girl he knew was far too timid to use the Caged Bird seal against him.

The girl had the mistaken idea that they were "family", and that they all should care about each-other, and that if she was nice enough they might. Fat chance of that ever happening. He was here for one reason, okay, maybe two reasons. The only reason he was with Hinata though was to make sure that she didn't come to any physical harm. If the girl couldn't take a few insults, even from him, she didn't belong anywhere.

The next thing he knew was that shortly after Hinata turned pale and ran off he was being lifted into the air. Looking up, he could see that what was lifting him into the air was that tall blue freak who'd taken a dislike to him since day one, and had taken a shine to Hinata since she'd helped him with the more academic areas of their training.

"Hoshigaki, you know the rules on fighting." Fugaku snapped. "You put him down right now, or you're out of here!"

"Okay." Kisame said.

The next thing he knew, he was being tossed high into the air. On his way down, he was batted across the Academy grounds by that massive sword that the blue mutant carried on his back. He barely had time to brace himself before he smacked into a tree.

"That's it Hoshigaki!" Fugaku said as he lost consciousness. "You are outta here!"


	11. A Not-So-Quiet Riot

A riot in any village would be a bad thing. A riot in a ninja village like Konoha however, well, complete anarchy wouldn't even begin to describe the situation. Bloodbath might come close, as tensions that have been simmering under the surface for generations are fueled and rivalries explode, and jutsu are flung everywhere and everyone else is ducking and covering or scrambling for the exits or scrambling for anything that isn't nailed down or all three.

How this riot which would go down in the history books had started had been Sai. Sai had been partnered up with an officer who was given him as a punishment assignment and they'd both been relegated to one of the seedier parts of town. Being a good partner, when the Uchiha went and bought himself a nice big lunch, he brought back something for Sai to eat as well. When Sai caught sight of the worm hole in the apple he'd been handed, he chucked it into the dumpster in the alley behind him.

The apple did not make it into the dumpster, as it ended up hitting a retired Genin who wasn't up on little things like projectile trajectory when he stepped into its path instead. Casting about for the source of the apple, the retired Genin happened to spot a young Genin who was bringing a bag of apples home. The apple carrying Genin then went flying through the window of a nearby shinobi bar, sparking off a massive barfight which made its way out back and spread into the next street over from where it spilled out into the village, with ninja fighting ninja as civilians ran this way and that either to safety or to some unsecured goods. A few opportunistic ninja joined the civilians that were headed in either direction.

Needing all the help they could get in order to return law and order to the village just about everyone who was associated with the Konoha Military Police Force including the Academy recruits and the station janitor was called out to help deal with the riot that had broken out. As well as the police, the ANBU had been called in en-masse to help bring the situation in which two clans who'd been at peace for three generations had re-started their blood feud and several petty grievances were being re-aired under control.

* * *

While this was happening, Hoshigaki Kisame was sitting in the Yamanaka flower shop where he'd just gotten a job that would net him the funds to survive on the road a while, his hands itching to grab his sword and be out there. What side he would end up on when he finally gave into his impulses and got out there didn't really matter to him at that point, and continued not to matter right up until Naruto, Lee, and the Commandant who looked like he was going to drop dead any moment and couldn't be any happier about that fact showed up with a crowd of ninja trailing in their wake.

Lee was valiantly fighting the mob despite the incredible odds, and making interesting sound effects when he wasn't yelling about the "Power of Youth" as he did so. Naruto was trying to slow the entire group down with impromptu paint and glue traps which had been made in record time through expertise gained during his pranking career. The Commandant of the Police Academy whose Sharingan was blazing brightly however was fighting only one opponent. As he traded relatively weak fire jutsus with the old man wearing Senju armor, there was a rather crazed grin on the Commandant's face which even disturbed Kisame who'd thought he was king of the disturbing smile, seeing as he'd won an award for his once.

Sighing since he knew which side he'd be on because he owed Naruto, and that side was the one that was in the most trouble, he stepped out the door and joined the forces of law and order rather than the rioters. Well, he could look at it this way, there were more opponents for him to fight...

* * *

In another section of the village, Shiro and his cousin/fiancee were tearing their way through a group of Genin, laughing as they did so, and taunting the Genin the entire time they wailed on them in the rather incredibly one-sided fight. It was as they were pounding on the last of the Genin in that little knot that a larger group of ninja showed up, a larger group of higher ranked ninja, a larger group of higher ranked ninja that contained at least three members who bore a striking resemblance to their punching bag.

"Oh shit." Shiro said as he dropped the Genin.

Deciding that discretion was the better part of valor, he and his cousin turned and ran despite the fact that it wasn't the Hyuuga way. He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day, and all that.

Running blindly down an alley with a massive gang of ninjas trailing behind them, they realized almost too late that the alley dead ended into a wall. Fortunately, there was a door in the right hand wall. Pulling the door open with enough force to nearly rip it off its hinges, Shiro ran inside with his cousin trailing in his wake.

It is only when he processes what he's seeing in front of him that he realizes that the door he'd opened was purple.

"Hello boys," the bartender called out. "You two here for the mid-afternoon special?"

* * *

Chouji grinned when he caught sight of a familiar group of Chunin clearing furniture out of a house. He'd wanted to do this for a good long time, ever since these bastards had started harassing him. Now was his chance, and it would be perfectly legal too.

"Well, if it isn't little Chouji..." one of the Chunin who'd started harassing him shortly after he'd graduated from the Ninja Academy said.

"Get out of here Chouji, we're busy." one of the other Chunin said as a group of six of the bastards crowded around him.

He turned to the speaker and attacked. Half the group he was fighting was from that clan of nimble little bastards who'd been able to outrun his better Taijutsu attacks. Police training hadn't really helped there since he wasn't all that well suited to the Uchiha fighting style which had been designed for the slender long-limbed bodies that were common to the Uchiha clan.

One area that had been helped however was that he'd picked up a couple of neat Ninjutsu. He wasn't all that good at Fire Jutsus, and Fire didn't really seem to be his element, but one thing that one couldn't help but pick up when one has spent as much time around the Uchiha as he has and has been trained by them to a degree was the Great Fireball Jutsu. As he did the seals and drew in a great big breath, there were a couple yells of "Holy shit!" and the pattering of a couple pairs of feet as the bastards from that one sensor clan hightailed it. Blowing out the breath, he created a massive fireball that strained the fire-proofing seals on the building in front of him to thier limit.

He smirked when he caught sight of a pair of fearful faces peering down at him from the roof of the building that he'd nearly torched.

"Now, I want you to put that furniture back inside where it belongs, and get the fuck out of here." he said proudly, savoring the fear from his tormentors who would more than likely think twice about bothering him again.

"B-But it's Akira's furniture." one of the nimble bastards said. "We were helping him move."

"What the fuck are you doing moving house in the middle of a riot?" he asked.

"The bitch of a landlady wouldn't give him another day." the other nimble bastard who was still hanging on the roof where it was reasonably safe replied.

"Alright, well then, carry on." he said before going on his way and looking for actual lawbreakers to attack, not letting the bastards who'd tormented him see how embarrassed he was over his mistake since they were scared shitless of him, even if it was only for the moment.


	12. Conflict Resolution

Mitarashi Anko, Yamanaka Ino, and Hyuuga Hinata had all been gathered together to compare notes and form a workable strategy for clearing the area of rioters when they got pinned down by a bastard who'd had the Kage Shuriken technique mastered down to the point that he could mix kunai and explosive tags into the jutsu without there being much of a reduction of quantity or quality. When they turned to return fire against the man who had been sniping at them from a roof, they learned that the man who was quite clearly insane had a small child that he was using as a human shield with him. Ino who was sheltered behind a dumpster was pinned away from the other two who were sheltering behind some produce stands beneath the shop awning of a grocery store trying to figure out their next move since one wrong move could end with them skewered by hundreds of kunai or shuriken.

Apparently, their plight caught the attention of another group because the next thing Ino knew, Naruto was yelling for her to stay put, and racing towards the man who had them pinned, using some sort of Bunshin jutsu as a decoy. Smiling, she watched him go. She didn't entirely know what she felt for the boy, or if it was even anything approaching love, but there was a great deal of admiration mixed in with the feeling, especially when he did stuff like this. She was still pinned and unable to do anything at the moment, but she had hope that the situation would be changing real soon.

After a moment of thought, Hinata realized that there might be a way out of her and Anko's predicament. In the space between barrages from the man who didn't seem to run out of regular kunai or shuriken or explosive tags to copy for his jutsu, she opened the door to the grocery store she and Anko were sheltering in front of, her idea mostly planned out by the time she reached the back door and started cutting into the alley behind.

* * *

While Naruto's clones made a rather noisy distraction on the ground below, Naruto stealthily climbed up the back of the building upon whose roof the madman was perched. He then started to quietly make his way across the roof and towards the madman who was gripping his human shield tightly, wary of an attack. He apparently wasn't quiet enough, because when he got to a good point for an ambush which unfortunately had left him unable to see his target for about a second as he was getting into position, the man and his hostage were gone. When he spotted them again, they were making their way across the village rooftops.

Trusting that someone would eventually get his back, he gave chase. Three rooftops away, the man turned to confront him, holding his hostage in front of him, one arm wrapped securely around the child's waist, and the other holding a kunai to the young boy's throat.

"Put your weapon down and back away, or I'll off the little kiddie. I just wanna get out of here, and you'll let me do that." the madman said as he pressed the kunai to the boy's throat hard enough to draw blood. "I was supposed to slip out the back way nice and quiet like, but thanks to the fact that you Leaf bastards don't know what "civilized society" means, I couldn't."

He did his best not to react when he caught sight of Hoshigaki Kisame coming up behind the man. He must've succeeded despite the fact that his face was normally so expressive that you could almost read his mind by interpreting the little twitches and blinks and whatnot, seeing as the man didn't realize that Kisame was there until the arm holding his kunai had been cut off. Unfortunately, it was in that moment that it was made apparent that the man in front of him had been a Mizu Bunshin, and that the real insane bastard was somewhere on the roof with him and completely out of sight if he wasn't still a few rooftops back or somewhere else entirely.

The child who had been held captive by the Mizu Bunshin was soaking wet, shaken, and his neck was bleeding a bit, but he appeared to be fine otherwise. The kid started clinging to him since he seemed to appear to be the safer of the two options and started crying, hindering his frantic search for the bastard who'd gotten the child in this situation in the first place, as he refused to be pried off. He eventually managed to pry the child he really didn't have the time to comfort at the moment off of him though.

Fortunately, Kisame had already started searching for their opponent while he'd been busy with the munchkin who was still crying. From the way the blue sharklike man was gripping his sword as he searched, it was apparent that he wanted to have fun with the bastard when he found him, and probably leave him in a bunch of eensie weensy pieces after he'd shaved all of his Chakra off of him with the blade when he was done with him.

Unfortunately for Kisame and his sword's little playdate with the bit of spying trash, Hinata found the child stealing bastard first.

"DON'T MOVE DIRTBAG!" Hinata yelled as she scared the bastard up from his hiding spot.

Before the child snatching spy could get more than a few feet, Hinata stopped him, grabbed him, pulled him back away from the edge of the roof he'd been about to leap off of, and gave him a brutal Juken beatdown which ended with a Juken strike to the balls that his father must've been feeling at that point.

With the child stealing madman dealt with, everyone moved out into the village to go put out fires both literally and metaphorically. The work was of course very hard, and extremely dangerous considering the number of intoxicated Jounin running riot, but fortunately the forces of law and order had at least one S-ranked shinobi on their side, aside from a very irate Godaime Hokage who'd finally stormed out of her office to deal with things personally after she'd gotten her paperwork finished that was.

By the time the sun had set, the holding cells at the station were full to overflowing, and they had started using the T&I department's cells in order to keep the prisoners contained.

* * *

The sun was rising as the last of the fires went out and the smoke vanished from the horizon. Madara sighed as he sat in his tree in the forest outside of Konoha watching the sun rise over the partially wrecked village. He had gone up against several from enemy clans, all of whom had been small children when the era of the warring clans had ended, and yet again he alone had stood victorious. He alone stood whole and alive.

For one glorious moment, it had been like being out on the battlefield once more. His blood had sang with the familiar and ancient siren call. He'd been given one last chance to go up against the enemy, to fight the enemy, and go out in a blaze of glory rather than continuing to dodder along until he finally needed to be swaddled in diapers once more. The enemy who had survived battle after battle, living through the first war, and the second, and the third and who was younger than him by a good couple of decades, the enemy who'd also felt the ancient grudge that he'd quietly carried for longer than they'd been alive had proven not to be strong enough however, and that final bit of glory had been snatched from him as they took it for themselves going up against a living legend, a god amongst shinobi.

The most ancient of the remaining Senju had fallen to fire, the most ancient Hyuuga elder to the blade, the most ancient Inuzuka to his Gunbai, the most ancient Yamanaka to a kick that had nearly broken his hip...

Gone, gone, all gone, and he was still alive, dammit.


	13. This Too Shall Pass

After the riot, Konoha rebuilt itself yet again, and finally, after what seemed like forever to those involved, the day of graduation from Konoha's Police Academy, the day when those who hadn't washed out were inducted into Konoha's police forces, had arrived. Some practical joker had even hired Konoha's civilian high school's marching band for the event.

Fugaku scowled as he watched the recruits who were scattered across the Academy grounds greet their families who had come for the event. Soon, they would be lining up, getting their shirts and vests, and would cease to be his problem. If there was one silver lining in his father's retaking the Chief of Police position, this was it.

Over by the main building, Chouji was being hugged and cried on by a large woman, much to his embarrassment.

"Is this woman bothering you?" Kiba asked.

"It's my mom Kiba." Chouji replied.

"Well then, I'll leave you to it." Kiba said, sounding embarrassed.

Over by the women's dorms, Kabuto was trailing behind Anko.

"You'll meet my team at eight." Anko was saying.

"Right." Kabuto said as he continued to trail behind his new girlfriend in what was going to be his first monogamous relationship.

"And, there'll be no more of this Orochimaru crap. You'll hand him your letter of resignation as soon as is humanly feasible." Anko continued.

"Letter to Orochimaru, check." Kabuto replied.

Over in a secluded area of the training grounds, Naruto and Ino sat perched in a tree.

"So, do you want to...?" Naruto asked nervously.

"If you want to." Ino said with a slight blush.

Their heads moved towards each-other and then bumped. They tried again. Their lips met for about half a second, and then they both pulled away. Both of them blushing brightly.

Before they could try again the chime that announced that they were supposed to line up to get the shirts and vests that marked them as members of Konoha's police force sounded.

"Well, uh..." Naruto started.

"Later." Ino said with a smile.

Both of them Shunshined across the grounds and reached the line where they hastily took their spots according to name with Naruto near the front ahead of the few Uchiha who'd been in their class and Ino near the end. He wouldn't be able to see her if he tried to look back over the line though, because half-way down, Kisame stood towering over everybody and blocking his view by simply existing.

All too soon all of the names had been called, and all of the shirts and vests and officer certificates had been dispensed.

"And now that the formalities are over, one of our top students, Uzumaki Naruto will be giving a speech." Commandant Madara said with a smile that almost looked wicked rather than proud.

As Naruto moved forward, he realized that THE podium was there, the podium where...He nervously swallowed and tried to move forward, but his legs didn't want to work. He eventually managed to put one foot in front of the other until he was standing in front of that thing, only barely holding onto the contents of his stomach, too upset over where he was to realize that he didn't even have a speech planned.

Suddenly, he heard a zipper going down, and when he felt a tug in a certain area, he realized that it was his own zipper. He looked down. The hooker from THEN was there. He turned to look at the Commandant.

"You are an Evil, Evil man!" he shouted as he pulled away from the podium and re-adjusted his pants.

Madara just smirked.


End file.
